But Don't Call it A Comeback!

It seems that after an entire year of posting to this blog daily, I've gone through a withdrawal of sorts. I have become far too used to sharing at least one stray thought with the anonymous masses of the internet. Now, however, there is a freedom in what I write about.

No longer am I constrained to the world of holidays. The mere fact that "Today is" weren't the first two words of this post have already made my mind joyously black-flip due to it's inability to even comprehend the freedom that comes fact that it is now able to release whatever it wants into this now un-fenced field of green, dewy grass just waiting to be stomped around in by the big, rubbery boots filled to overflowing by the unpredictably intermittent torrents of ideas rained down from the stormy clouds above until the grass is pushed down neatly into galosh-shaped prints and churned into new, fertilized soil in which new blades of sweet, green knowledge can grow.

YEAH! I didn't even bother to keep track of what was a metaphor for what in that long spiel, but I don't care because I wrote it out of WANT. I WANT to write about random things. Don't get me wrong, the holidays were fun, but now... Oh-ho-ho-ho NOW... Now you are ready.

Had I unleashed the unaltered, unabridged whirlwind of stupid that grows as slowly and surely in my mind as do stalactites in a cave, you would probably have not read ANY of it, and I wouldn't blame you. But thanks to my cunning ruse, you have been slowly given little hints of my personality. Sips of an all-too-strong blend that has, does, and will come off as a very haughty, rich, bitter drink. But thanks to those little sample cups, you now know how you like it. Maybe you can handle it, and you think "Hey I could take this daily and be just peachy." Or maybe you can't drink it straight, so you have to have to mix cream and sugar in it, so you only read one out of every few posts. That is fine by me!

All I know is that this is now officially mine. I have passed my self-imposed, and admittedly self-graded test of commitment. Now is the time for me to make this blog what it was always meant to be! A journey into my own mind and life! You who choose to read these posts as they are written will be able to experience this along with me, as honestly I have only vaguely mapped my inner machinations, and I think it only fair to warn you: Things are about to get weird.

As Always,

Thanks for reading!

~Kyle

A Hike In My Head

Today is Take a Hike Day! Now, there aren't many places near me that I would qualify as a genuine 'hike', as I always thought you need at least one good hill involved to no just be on a walk or a stroll. However, I did my best to find an at least somewhat bumpy path to hike on, and did! Being a complete dummy, I forgot to take any pictures or evidence whatsoever. However, since I was pretty much alone with my thoughts, I heard them quite clearly, and actually have a mental record of what I was thinking. So here is a brief look into what goes on in my head in the easiest way I could think of to do it. Script-form.

LOGIC (Pretty much the head honcho): Alright, guys, we've made it to the park. Quick check to see how everything is going. Everybody report.

DOC (Handles almost physical stuff): The stomachs still looking good thanks to the late breakfast, the neck's a little stiff from driving, though.

LOGIC: I'll have one of the interns tell the hands to get crackin' on that.

DOC: Great. The feet seem to be wondering why they aren't being covered up. The ground is still cold before noon.

LOGIC: Look, they kept complaining about shoes being too tight, so a vote was passed to forgo wearing shoes until the new ones came in the mail.

DOC: New ones have come. They're very comfy, if lacking in arch support.

LOGIC: Well, we'll have to call another meeting about that, then, he might have gotten used to going shoeless. Right now let's focus on the task at hand: Enjoying nature. EMOTICON, what's the feel out there?

EMOTICON (A robot built to process emotion (spoken in a robotic voice)): Everything looks very fresh and new with the morning dew on it. I especially like that tree that looks like a face. :) Otherwise, I'm not getting many clear observations yet.

LOGIC: Why not?

EMOTICON: It seems that the observation deck has not turned all it's systems on yet :/

LOGIC: What?

(LOGIC swivels his chair around to face SEPIA and RUSSET, who control the left and right eye respectively)

LOGIC: What's going on, you two?

SEPIA: We haven't had our coffee yet.

LOGIC: Kyle... doesn't drink coffee.

RUSSET: He doesn't, but we do. It's cliche of our character types.

LOGIC: ... Whatever. Drink some coffee then.

SEPIA: Aw, we can't imagine good coffee.

LOGIC: You've literally had a front seat to every coffee ever seen by Kyle. Do your best.

RUSSET: ...Fine

(Coffee appears and SEPIA & RUSSET drink it)

LOGIC: Alright. Anyone else have anything to report?

CHAOS (Nobody really knows what this guy does, but he's interesting, so they let him come to the meetings): Totally. Did you guys know that the Space Jam website is still up? The original one! I saw a tweet about it yesterday and thought I'd bring it up.

LOGIC: Thanks. That's great...

EMOTICON: The sunrise is so beautiful, guys.

LOGIC: It's 10:47...

EMOTICON. It was beautiful, though.

LOGIC: Good to hear. Log it into the memory files.

EMOTICONS: Well, we've seen better, to be honest.

LOGIC: Alright, well we'll just keep it on the table until it gets in the way, then.

ANXIETY (Tries to keep the brain free of clutter or duplicate ideas): Uuuuugh! The tables so full, though. Argh... I'll just throw out some character names from Chuck. He hasn't watched that show in a while.

LOGIC: I'm getting some readings of annoyance from the brain. Anyone know what the cause is?

ANXIETY: You're wel-

RUSSET (shouting across room): Yeah, there are some mosquitos out today. We're teaming up with the guys running the hands to care of it, but there's also gnats everywhere.

EMOTICON: Why do gnats always stay above the sidewalk?! >:(

LOGIC: It's fine, it's fine. We've got a good swatting method, and as long as we don't breath during the gnat clouds, we'll be fine.

SUBCONSCIOUS (Background guy): NO! I take care of breathing just fine! If you take over, he'll just hold his breath for fun again!

LOGIC: Calm down, you still have control of... is there a word for wanting to live?

SUBCONSCIOUS: You mean the thing I do when he holds his breath for too long and I make him start breathing before he passes out?

LOGIC: Yes. I don't think there's a word for that. Make a note to try to find one later.

ANXIETY: Ugh...

DOC: Oh I think I should mention that we do need to go to the bathroom.

LOGIC: It'll have to wait, he's still hiking.

DOC: Well, it's one of those times where I should have brought it up hours ago, but just found it on my desk and realized it was never taken care of.

LOGIC: (Heavy sigh) Alright, let's head back to the car.

END SCENE!

And that's how I think of my brain. There were actually a lot more subjects talked about between other people at the meeting, but I just gave you the really pertinent things.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Saxophone Island

Today is Marooned Without a Compass Day! Being marooned is bad enough, but having no compass? Well... actually that's not all that bad if you have even the most basic survival skills. Plus, I found it nearly impossible to be without a compass today. My phone had a compass, so I just didn't use that app. Simple enough. However, every street sign, building, and several landmarks had compasses or some sort of directional instructions on them. I suppose that at this point in time, we've pretty much figure out the lay of the land as a species, so this holiday, while hard to celebrate, was celebrated to the best of my ability.

Today is also Saxophone Day! Today is in honor of the birthday of Adophe Sax, who invented the Saxophone. ... In case that wasn't apparent by his name. He made a whopping 8 different kinds of saxophones in his lifetime, as a matter of fact! This holiday was significantly easier to celebrate. There are many classic songs that incorporate quite a bit of sax, along with some really recent songs, too. For some reason, the sax has become a very popular choice for alternative rock bands lately. Not that I'm complaining. Sounds good. Sounds pretty dag good.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Today is Stupid

Today is Ask a Stupid Question Day! You may be asking: "Kyle, how do I celebrate Ask a Stupid Question Day?" Well, don't worry, because you already have. Just by asking me that! The entire idiom today is referring to is "Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."

The day was created in the 80's by teachers who wanted the children to be more comfortable asking questions in class, since the 80's were when children started noticing how dumb their questions could be sometimes
because some children were uncomfortable asking stupid things, knowing that others would point and laugh 
because the teachers wanted to have more stories about the dumb kids in class to share in the lounge
because the teachers knew that peer pressure was causing some of the children in class to withhold some of their questions, which wasn't conducive to a learning atmosphere.

You can celebrate today by asking all the stupid questions you want! Some might say "There is no such thing as a stupid question". However, there is! If you've been anywhere ever, you know this for a fact. I'm not saying that the person asking the question is stupid, but the question definitely is. Now, I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they hadn't thought it through quite as much as they should have, but today is a free pass to ask before you think! I'm not here to judge. Unless I'm judging how stupid your question is... but I won't judge you. Unless you wear an "I'm with Stupid" shirt. That means that you're stupid enough to hang out with stupid people often enough to wear a t-shirt in order to warn people... and I might judge you for that a little.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Buttarrrrscotch

Today be National Butterscotch Pudding Day! Ye may best know butterscotch as that tough little candy that yer grandma be handing ya right before she pinches yer cheeks as tight as a sail in a storm. There also be a fairrrrrly pop'lar puddin' with the same flavor! Once again, I turned to my most trusted merchant of pudding for this parrrrticular day. Jell-O. They always be making the best flavourrrs, and they always be as fine quality as a king's sheets. But don't take it from an old salt like me, try it yerself!

Today also be Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Thanks fer readin'!
~Captain Kyle

A Little Stitious

Today is Defy Superstition Day! Defying superstition is a pretty easy thing to do. Especially with science.  My personal studies show that people who break mirrors are only experiencing a little bit of 'bad luck' only by merit of the fact that their mirror is now broken. There are no further instances of exceptionally bad luck that surface immediately, in the short term, or even in the long term. There may be other instances that aren't exactly fortuitous, but they aren't an effect of the mirror breaking. The event's significance is simply amplified in importance simply because the person experiencing it has written it up as inevitable due to their original mistake of breaking a mirror. I don't know why people do it, though. Maybe we find some comfort in finding any sort of scapegoat to stick all of our downfalls onto so whatever happens to us isn't completely our fault. That way we don't go insane with the knowledge that maybe we do, in fact, stink at handling mirrors.

... Anyway, you can celebrate today by walking under ladders or having a black cat cross your path. It doesn't count if you cross it's path. That's good luck. For the cat.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Bear Necessities

Today is Teddy Bear Day! Teddy Bears are an important part of any person's childhood. They are friends, guardians, and don't mind being pillows every now and then. Almost everyone I know has a bear or some sort of stuffed animal that they cuddled when they were younger. I had a plethora of stuffed animals when I was young, but few have had quite the amount of memories as a certain bear has shared with me. Potato Joe (Seen below at a bear-friendly dance club) has shared most, if not all, of my journeys to places.

He gets a little CRAZY sometimes

Potato Joe has quite the tale to tell. One of my close cronies, Meagan has a birthday two days apart from mine. As it so happened, our birthdays or, even more often, the day in between them fell on a church day. So we would celebrate by a present-swap. However, my senior year of high school, I went on a trip to colorado with the rest of my class during the week of our birthdays! GASP!

So, we decided that the saturday I got back, we would make up for breaking our annual tradition by spending the entire day together, filling it with whatever activities we could find. So from 8am-really late, we went to malls, restaurants, parks, and all sorts of time-filling activities such as Apples to Apples (We had more people by then, don't worry). The most important and memorable event, however, was the spur of the moment decision to wander into Build-A-Bear.

It was decided that we would make matching bears, so we first looked at clothes. We found the best  option were the denim overalls/dress. It was therefore decided that they would be farmers/artisans. Potato Joe and Sweet Pea (Seen below discussing how her farmville is far more efficient than yours) were born. Potato Joe now rides in my car in the back middle seat, since he swears it's the safest, and enjoys all the places I take him to.

"Look, have YOU ever had a farm? No? Okay then."

What's your bear, and how did you get him/her?
yeah that's right I'm turning tables and making you tell a story.


Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Butter Bends, Right?

Today is Bad Poetry Day! I've already graced you with some of my poetry in the past, and by all technical definitions, that was bad poetry. However by my high school english teacher's definitions, it was so purposefully self-satirical that it was nothing short of brilliance. Well... she said "Good Job! 100%", but you learn to translate those sorts of things.


Today, though, I have to make up some poetry that is both technically and artistically bad. It's hard to do, since in this modern world of modern thinking, anything horrible is at risk of being labelled 'modern' and then shoved into a museum for preservation. But, I'll give it the best I have.

Here is something awesomely awful,
So much so it shouldn't be lawful.
Some of these lines will be a crawful.
Like trying to eat too many falafels.


Some might think that to make a bad verse.
You don't rhyme, forget rhythm, or curse.
My opinion is quite the inverse.
You keep the rules, but makes them perverse.


Not like that, get your mind out of the gutter.
No, you keep the guidelines, but bend them like... butter?
Stretch them and skew them until they shutter.
Just enough to make readers insanely mutter.


When you've done that, you're job is done.
Blame is sought, but in you they'll find none.
You haven't broken a rule, no not one.
Just do us a favor and steer clear of puns.


Well, there ya go. That's about as horrible as I can be at poetry. It's hard to be all that bad when you enjoy poetry and know the rules. I broke quite a few, but... I mean I kinda still like it. If you can do worse, please do so and comment with your bad poem!


Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Fickle Creatures

Today is Take Your Pants For a Walk Day! Perhaps a kinder, gentler way of saying "Get Your Butt In Shape", today is a day to go for a walk... with pants on... ON. That also means no skirts, dresses, shorts, tutus, or kilts.

Your pants need to work out too, after all. Their fitness is a little flipped compared to ours, though. When jeans seem to be getting tight around your waist, that means that you need to start working them out. The easiest way to do so is to simply wear them while you work out. After a while, you'll notice they stop becoming so needy and clinging to your hips all the time. That means that they are now ready to loosen up and be comfortable around the other articles of clothing in your closet. Of course, sometimes they become so free from your waist, that you simply have to let them go, lest they try to escape of their own accord at an inopportune moment.

Don't worry, though! You can go buy a new pair of pants and start working out with them! If you do so often enough, not only will your own physique become maintained, but you'll have helped many pairs of pants on their journey to comfiness. Soon, when you are in peak condition and have helped enough of pants-kind, they will bestow upon you a gift in the form of the perfect pair of pants. Be careful not to take it for granted, however, as they are known to start constricting those who take them for granted, and you have begin the cycle anew.

Thanks for reading!

~Kyle

Make A Wish!

Today is Meteor Watch Day! For those who are unaware, meteors are "shooting stars", not to be confused with meteorites which are celestial objects that have already landed somewhere on the earth. Today (or tonight, more likely) is the time to go outside and try to see if you can see a meteor streak across the sky. Now, being the well-connected (technologically speaking) person that I am, I've already researched whether or not a meteor shower would occur tonight, and it won't. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean there won't be a solitary meteor making a trek across the stars. I did notice that mercury is lining up with a few stars, though... so that might be cool to see. Be warned, however: the moon can make it hard to see some meteors because it outshines them. Clouds will also make it difficult since... well... they are a lot closer and will block your line of sight. Still, it's worth a try! Meteors are one of the longest lasting "magical" or "romantic" natural occurrences in nature. If you have never seen one, you should really start to constantly search whenever given the chance.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Mobius Logic

Today is My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day! In case you are unaware of the song that today is based off of, follow this link to give it a quick listen. I'll wait for you to get back.

...

Done? Okay.

As you can tell, this is one of those songs made to annoy the listener, and staying true to the style, it can very easily be looped. This is even worse than "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" because THIS song has a problem that could very easily be solved. Unfortunately for the problem, two people who can't solve a problem if their buckets depended on it are trying to do the solving. This song was made in germany, though, and if there's anything I know about german children's stories its that they portray stupid or haughty children getting into stupidly painful (or in this case painfully stupid) predicaments or deaths. So I suppose, in a way, it could be seen as a warning to not be so incredibly dumb as to not see that you are making the problem an endless loop of anti-progress.

You can celebrate today one of two ways.
1) DON'T make your problems worse by being so unknowledgeable that you just get caught in an endless cycle of 'square-ones'. Eventually you won't even know the original problem. (Wait... were we cutting hay or sharpening a knife? Why is this rock so dry and why do I care?)
2) You can totally do that.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

76 Trombones

Today is Buy A Musical Instrument Day! It should be really obvious what you need to do today, so I'm just going to skip ahead to what I wanted to do, why I couldn't, and what I did instead. I really desired to buy a ukulele, but those are slightly too expensive for a poor southern boy such as myself. I found out about the existence of mandolins again, and I actually COULD afford one, and also liked the sound better than ukulele. However by "could afford one" I mean that it would be about all I could afford. I wouldn't even be able to buy a pack of gum if I bought one right now. So I of course, settled for the next best thing! A Mandolin app on the iPhone. It wasn't free ($1.99), so it TOTALLY counts as buying an instrument... right? Anyway, I'll be playing with it until I can afford the real thing without plunging myself into the red.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

I Want to Give the World a Sock.

Today is No Socks Day! Today is a day to let your feet breath a little easier, while possibly hindering YOUR breathing depending on how thorough of a foot washer you are. Wear shoes with no socks or just no shoes at all! You won't have to do as much laundry the next day, and you won't slip and fall on hardwood floors nearly as much, either! ... Is that... just me who does that? Well, fine then. I still say that wearing socks on hard wood can be risky business.

Today is also Have a Coke Day! If there were ever a combination of holidays that perfectly suits my desires, this is one of them. Drinking a  Coca-Cola (Yes, Coke is Coca-Cola, the other ones are Sodas)  with no socks on is one of the few pure pleasures in life. Coke comes in many flavours, sizes, and varieties (much the same as socks... hopefully sans flavour). So go grab a can/cup/bottle/mug/liter/jug of your favourite kind of Coke (Hint: It's Original), wriggle out of your socks (it's hard to kick socks off, plus i wanted to save the verb 'kick' for this next step, and kick (see?) back/relax to truly enjoy the day.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Vanilla Coke and Lime Coke are also acceptable choices. Diet, too I guess. My dad tells me that Coke and Diet Coke are outselling regular Pepsi. Fun fact?

Swaddled Swine

Today is National Pigs in a Blanket Day! As an American, I love food. I am also a man, which means that a specific type of food I enjoy would be meat. As a southerner, I also am a fan of home-cooking and finger-food. These assumptions are all correct under common stereotypes, and may not be truthful to all Southern Northern American Man (or SNAM (Which is "Mans" backwards (Which may or not mean anything))).


All that to say that Pigs in a Blanket are one of man's best inventions since the sandwich. I say that because, if done correctly, it is basically like a tubular sandwich. Not "tubular" in the sense that it is as unto a gnarly wave to surf upon. No, I refer to it's shape. A cylinder. It's like a small, cylindrical, sandwich. It's Pig+Cheese+Bread. That's a sandwich. you may want to put lettuce or tomato or even both at once in your Swaddled Swine, but that's what we southerner's call "Fixing something that ain't broke." or "Overcomplicatin' it" or "Ruining the Pig's in a Blanket."


So keep it simple and enjoy one of the best appetizers/side dishes/party snack/Hors d'oeuvres in existence.


Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

New Diet Craze

Today is Something on a Stick Day! Today is a celebration of a fairly specific type of food that has a surprising amount of variants and possibilities. From corn dogs to popsicles, today is a day to eat anything and everything that comes on a stick. Roasted marshmallows, lollipops, cotton candy, shish kabobs, and even free samples at the mall can be eating today. There is, of course, a more interesting and slightly messier way to celebrate if you are so inclined. Try taking foods that are not usually seen on a stick or even eaten with silverware and put them on a stick. Some difficult ones would be pizza, hard tacos, or soup. Find a bunch of skewers or sticks and carry them with you today in case you come across food that is not already on a stick. Now that I think about it, it might even make a decent diet. The "Something on a Stick Diet™" by Kyle: Never eat any more than what fits on an average-length food skewer. Of course, then you run into problems like the fact that you could technically fit 3-4 deep dish pizzas on one skewer if you really wanted to. Well, the idea was fun while it lasted.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle