A Hike In My Head

Today is Take a Hike Day! Now, there aren't many places near me that I would qualify as a genuine 'hike', as I always thought you need at least one good hill involved to no just be on a walk or a stroll. However, I did my best to find an at least somewhat bumpy path to hike on, and did! Being a complete dummy, I forgot to take any pictures or evidence whatsoever. However, since I was pretty much alone with my thoughts, I heard them quite clearly, and actually have a mental record of what I was thinking. So here is a brief look into what goes on in my head in the easiest way I could think of to do it. Script-form.

LOGIC (Pretty much the head honcho): Alright, guys, we've made it to the park. Quick check to see how everything is going. Everybody report.

DOC (Handles almost physical stuff): The stomachs still looking good thanks to the late breakfast, the neck's a little stiff from driving, though.

LOGIC: I'll have one of the interns tell the hands to get crackin' on that.

DOC: Great. The feet seem to be wondering why they aren't being covered up. The ground is still cold before noon.

LOGIC: Look, they kept complaining about shoes being too tight, so a vote was passed to forgo wearing shoes until the new ones came in the mail.

DOC: New ones have come. They're very comfy, if lacking in arch support.

LOGIC: Well, we'll have to call another meeting about that, then, he might have gotten used to going shoeless. Right now let's focus on the task at hand: Enjoying nature. EMOTICON, what's the feel out there?

EMOTICON (A robot built to process emotion (spoken in a robotic voice)): Everything looks very fresh and new with the morning dew on it. I especially like that tree that looks like a face. :) Otherwise, I'm not getting many clear observations yet.

LOGIC: Why not?

EMOTICON: It seems that the observation deck has not turned all it's systems on yet :/

LOGIC: What?

(LOGIC swivels his chair around to face SEPIA and RUSSET, who control the left and right eye respectively)

LOGIC: What's going on, you two?

SEPIA: We haven't had our coffee yet.

LOGIC: Kyle... doesn't drink coffee.

RUSSET: He doesn't, but we do. It's cliche of our character types.

LOGIC: ... Whatever. Drink some coffee then.

SEPIA: Aw, we can't imagine good coffee.

LOGIC: You've literally had a front seat to every coffee ever seen by Kyle. Do your best.

RUSSET: ...Fine

(Coffee appears and SEPIA & RUSSET drink it)

LOGIC: Alright. Anyone else have anything to report?

CHAOS (Nobody really knows what this guy does, but he's interesting, so they let him come to the meetings): Totally. Did you guys know that the Space Jam website is still up? The original one! I saw a tweet about it yesterday and thought I'd bring it up.

LOGIC: Thanks. That's great...

EMOTICON: The sunrise is so beautiful, guys.

LOGIC: It's 10:47...

EMOTICON. It was beautiful, though.

LOGIC: Good to hear. Log it into the memory files.

EMOTICONS: Well, we've seen better, to be honest.

LOGIC: Alright, well we'll just keep it on the table until it gets in the way, then.

ANXIETY (Tries to keep the brain free of clutter or duplicate ideas): Uuuuugh! The tables so full, though. Argh... I'll just throw out some character names from Chuck. He hasn't watched that show in a while.

LOGIC: I'm getting some readings of annoyance from the brain. Anyone know what the cause is?

ANXIETY: You're wel-

RUSSET (shouting across room): Yeah, there are some mosquitos out today. We're teaming up with the guys running the hands to care of it, but there's also gnats everywhere.

EMOTICON: Why do gnats always stay above the sidewalk?! >:(

LOGIC: It's fine, it's fine. We've got a good swatting method, and as long as we don't breath during the gnat clouds, we'll be fine.

SUBCONSCIOUS (Background guy): NO! I take care of breathing just fine! If you take over, he'll just hold his breath for fun again!

LOGIC: Calm down, you still have control of... is there a word for wanting to live?

SUBCONSCIOUS: You mean the thing I do when he holds his breath for too long and I make him start breathing before he passes out?

LOGIC: Yes. I don't think there's a word for that. Make a note to try to find one later.

ANXIETY: Ugh...

DOC: Oh I think I should mention that we do need to go to the bathroom.

LOGIC: It'll have to wait, he's still hiking.

DOC: Well, it's one of those times where I should have brought it up hours ago, but just found it on my desk and realized it was never taken care of.

LOGIC: (Heavy sigh) Alright, let's head back to the car.

END SCENE!

And that's how I think of my brain. There were actually a lot more subjects talked about between other people at the meeting, but I just gave you the really pertinent things.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Good Gaudy!

Today is Wear Something Gaudy Day! For those of you as unchangeably intertwined with all things nostalgic as I am, you may recall that the character Larry Dallas from Three's Company invented this holiday. I tried to research which episode it was (re-watching the episodes would take more than a day), but I couldn't find it! Not even a clip! Well, at least the title of the day spells out what to do. Find something gaudy in your closet and wear it today. If you already wear gaudy things (The first step is admitting it), wear even MORE!

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

I Like Apples

Today is National Apple Dumpling Day! Apples are my favorite fruit by far, as I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before. Because how could I not have? I've talked to you every day for a year. Some people I know don't even get three days of knowing me without knowing I thoroughly enjoy an apple or two. ... Anyway, my love for apples extends past the fruit alone and onto it's flavor. So what I'm really trying to get at here is that I ate an apple dumpling and enjoyed it. I would tell you more, but Fawlty Towers is really distracting.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Shifty Thrift

Today is National Thrift-store Day! Now, I'm not the biggest fan of thrift-stores because, quite frankly, they are usually poorly organized, smell funny, and everything seems to have been touched all over by a dirty orangutan with severe and instantaneous shedding problems. I feel similarly about online stores like eBay and Amazon, and I just prefer to get the item from where it's made.

However, there is something that I've had my eye on for quite some time. There is a thrift store near me selling an item that I need for my room: A chair. Not just any chair, though. No, this is a vintage hospital wheelchair. I know what you're thinking: "You just said you hate dirty germ-infested things, why would you want an old wheelchair from an era where disease was less solvable?" My answer is simple: I think it would be cool. I needed a chair with which to sit at my desk, but I also needed to be able to move in it. I have a carpeted room so regular wheels would mean I'd have to get a mat. However, wheelchairs move freely on mats as well as hard floors. Also, I've always wanted to see what being in a wheelchair is like without any of the... well... having to be in one. No offense meant towards my readers in wheelchairs.

This thrift store is quite a way away from me, though, so I may have to wait a few days to actually get it. I have it reserved, though! So that counts as celebrated! Right? Sure it does.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Brain freeze

Today is National Ice Cream Day! Today is also really, REALLY hot. So I didn't get a picture of the ice cream I did eat since it melted so fast. I DID get brain freeze, though. That's always fun. What's even worse is when you whole spine feels frozen and your eyes start watering up and soon your whole skeleton feels like it's just going to shatter if a gentle breeze touches you. Anyway, pick whatever flavor of ice cream you want, but if you want to knock out two scoops with one spoon then you should know that...

Today is also National Peach Ice Cream Day! The first holiday is actually meant to be celebrated on the third sunday of July (today), but this one is always on the 17th. Now that you know, you won't almost miss one because your calendar is messed up like mine was.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

More Veggies and Nixon

Today is Watergate Day! In case you are too young to have learned about this in history class or too old to remember, the Watergate scandal happened 39 years ago (if my math is correct). Five men broke into the Democratic Committee headquarters and were arrested for it, because that is a pretty serious crime. That would have been all fine and dandy and wrapped up in a pretty little bow if the FBI hadn't found out that the men were being paid to do this by way of a fund that was also being used to re-elect president Nixon. That is a bigger crime. Further investigation gave way to evidence and even testimonies proving that what they had hypothesized about the situation was indeed true. Since Nixon was now pretty much going to be impeached with no qualms from anyone, he simply resigned. He was soon pardoned by his successor Ford for reasons I do not pretend to completely understand.

Today is also Eat Your Vegetables Day! This day is thankfully completely unrelated to the other one. No, today is almost a repeat of yesterday. While yesterday was a day that might have been celebrated simply by looking at or appreciating the thought of fresh veggies, today you have to actually eat them. I know, I know, it can be painful. I'm sure I'll lose some of my younger readers by forcing this on you so suddenly. Perhaps these holidays were put side by side because the great deciders of holidays knew that much like in life, you may need to be told twice (and in two different ways) to eat your vegetables by your parents.

They try the "Wow!" tactic first, as most parents do. Yesterday was Fresh Veggies Day. Almost as if to say "Wow! Look at these veggies! Aren't they great and so fresh?! These are probably the best thing here right now." When this tactic inevitably fails due to the lack of believability in their acting as they struggle to swallow some boiled beets, they move onto today's tactic: The "Do It Because I Said So Tactic". Eat Your Vegetables. It isn't until later in life when we discover logical fallacies that we can begin arguing against that tactic. So for now, you're stuck. There are good vegetables, though. My favourites are probably potatoes and corn. Especially together... mmmmmm.

I bet Nixon would have turned out better if he ate HIS vegetables. (He used to wash and display them in a store, but I see no mention of him eating any)

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Mt. Nostalgia

Today is Pack Rat Day! I learned on May 10th's holiday that I was a very large pack rat. So many of the things I own are useful only for instigating nostalgia. However, the title of today's holiday could mean I should celebrate it in one of two possible ways. One: I clean up my hoard, or Two: I embrace my inner pack rat and do absolutely nothing about it. See, After I cleaned my room, I rearranged it completely. As in, everything was moved to another part of the house and brought back in. The problem is, everything but my bed is now in a pile of disarray due to some of my furniture breaking. Until I get a new desk at the very least, most of the things will remain stacked according to their size/purpose. I also bought containers to fill with the things I still wanted, but didn't want in my room. However, due to my not wanting to do work today and the fact that the car I put the containers in is gone for the day, I think I'll celebrate today by not doing anything about my hoard. Maybe I'll even add to it.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

A Grate Day For Cheese

Today is National Cheeseball Day! After a quick Google Image search of the word "cheeseball", I have found out that two kinds exists. One that I knew already and thoroughly enjoy whenever possible, and one that I may have seen once in my life. The first being the light, puffed up spheres of cheesy bread with cheesy goodness sprinkled all over them. They are usually bright orange or yellow and commonly come in a big barrel shaped container. Those are addictive and I doubt I know any person who does not love them. I even know some people who hate cheese who will willingly eat them. The other kind of cheeseball seems to be some sort of large ball of cheese (go figure) surrounded with crackers on a tray. I can only assume that it's for parties that I'm obviously too cool to attend (what else can explain my never having seen one?).

If I had the choice between something that I know and love from my past that looks like this:

Or something that may be more healthy but looks like this:

I'm fairly obviously going to go for the barrel of cheeseball puffs. It's not that I judge a book by it's cover. I just judge food by how it looks. ... Alright, admittedly, that was bad taste on my part. There ARE some pretty cool looking cheeseballs that I wouldn't mind trying. They definitely get points for creativity.

Thanks for reading!

~Kyle

Yellow Submarine

Today is Submarine Day! Today can be celebrated one of two ways according to my research. It can be celebrated as a day for actual submarines, or it can be celebrated as a submarine sandwich day. There are obviously very subtle differences between how you might celebrate the existence of either thing, so I've made a helpful little comparison guide to help you out.

Submarine (ship): Go into the belly of the ship (or bowels depending on how dramatic you are/how far down you go)

Submarine (sandwich): Put one in your belly (Eventually bowels. Not an option.)

Submarine (ship): Try to make a submersible item of your own while still keeping air inside of it. It doesn't have to actual size. Maybe a water bottle in a bath tub.

Submarine (sandwich): Don't do that with a sandwich. Bread floats and tastes nasty after being in a bath tub. Possibly find something to dip your sandwich in like ranch or that french dip at Arby's.

Submarine (ship): Find out how much of a submarine you could buy. An attack one is roughly $13,951,671 per square foot. Thats an insanely rough estimate, though. Only top-result google research was involved. Still. Dang.

Submarine (sandwich): 5 Dollar Footlong.

So that's about all the ways I can think of to celebrate today that I can make into some kind of humorous joke while maintaining some semblance of slight realism. So I'm gonna go clean a garage I think and then head over to a sub-shop for lunch. I don't think there's an actual submarine anywhere near me. But, if there is. I will take a picture.

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle

Getting Snippy

Today is Champion Crab Races Day. Not Championship... Champion. Meaning that the crab itself it a champion. Now, seeing as I am still sickly and when I stand I get slightly dizzy, I can't drive to go see any crabs (much less champion crabs (much less champion crabs that race)) today. Especially since the nearest place with crabs is around 2-3 hours away. Even the hermit crabs at the mall would be risking my health. What I CAN do, however is watch and do a lot of crab related things. I've already watched A few episodes of Deadliest Catch today, and THOSE are some champion crabs if I've ever seen any, and those boats are racing each other along with time itself. I also tried walking like a crab, but that wasn't a good idea in my current state. I did learn that there are crab races at the Disney parks, which means I was so close and yet so far. If any of you have a crab or two, today is the perfect day to first turn them into champion crabs, and then race them! I found absolutely no reason for this holiday's existence, aside from the fun of watching crabs race. So have fun with it!

Thanks for reading!
~Kyle